I’ve been asking myself this question for awhile. I don’t know why, but in the past few weeks, I have been realizing some things that I do now that I never in a million years would have thought I would do 5 or 6 years ago, let alone even one year ago. I speak up, often. In my job, I have to tell people what to do in order to keep things running smoothly. When I first started, I’d ask the people to do something…it never came out as an order. Now it does. Mind you, I’m polite and try to tell people in a nice way or if needed in a matter-of-fact you-will-do-this-now way, never in a mean egotistical manner. But still, I wonder, when did this happen. I never viewed myself as a leader. I would just hide in the background, hoping something would happen while I waited. Now I just orchestrate whatever it is that needs to be done. If I need something to happen now, I find the person to do it (if it’s myself, great, then I’m at a head start) and make it happen. It is kind of confusing, even to myself.
The other day, I was talking to my Mom. She mentioned that she noticed that I was walking taller, confident in what I did and looking like I have my act together. The thing is, what I really wanted to ask was who she was actually looking at. I don’t have my act together at all. I’m a mess, pretty good at hiding things inside for a decent amount of time. I don’t work normal hours, and that makes my emotions turn into a roller coaster. Every second not spent at my ‘day job’ is either spent here on the blog, with graphic design clients, meetings, the local community arts center for various things since I’m on the board, and family and friends if I’m lucky. I find that if I have one day a week where I don’t have to leave the house for something, that is a treasure because normally my weeks are scheduled so that I can cram everything in. I go from meetings to work, to meetings, to graphic design, to work, to friends, to perhaps, if I’m lucky, sleep. That one day a week that I was planning on hoarding doesn’t exist anymore. Perhaps I get it once a month. And then, there are my hobbies, namely my love for this blog here. I knit and create in any spare moments I have, I obsorb reading material on the subject daily, I try to fit things in.
And apparently I am very, very good at hiding my mess. I must even scare some people because it seems that I can be blunt sometimes, and it looks like I know what I’m doing. I know my dripping sarcasm isn’t for everyone and I normally can keep that in check (most of my coworkers thankfully have a similar taste in humor so it all works out), but I don’t really know who I am. The other day, I saw my old chemistry teacher from high school. He asked if I’d be going back to school this year and I said no, not yet. We had a short conversation and it was surprising. I admitted I wanted to get my masters in something in art, but really didn’t know what anymore. The thing is, he seemed impressed, like that not knowing what I really wanted from life was a good thing. Is it? Is it really? I don’t know.
But why did I share this with you? Well, it’s because I have been sporadic in posting here, and now you know why. My mess is easily hidden in my day to day life, but somewhere it is going to have to show through and it seems that this space is where it lands. I haven’t done a thought post for awhile, and this is why. Hiding it is no longer an option. Positivity needs to be a focus. I don’t know who I am. Perhaps we will find out together.
Thanks for listening.